You Deserve a Break Today -- to Hunt a Little Dinner
By Ethan Gilsdorf
March 5, 2004
Another study has warned that Americans are getting fatter. Released
Monday, the SizeUSA survey, sponsored by clothing companies,
universities and, oddly, the Army and Navy, scanned some 10,000 people
to size up the situation. In the words of Jim Lovejoy, the director of
SizeUSA, "We're definitely getting heavier, and it's primarily in the
waist."
Unfortunately, Americans living in the Land of the Eat and the Home of
the Grave couldn't be more pleased by their plumpness. It's an alarming
trend that has physicians, nutritionists and swimsuit designers tossing
in their sleep but apparently is of little concern to those who are
actually dipping into their Ben and Jerry's with snow shovels.
But the solution is not, as some would have you believe, that Americans
must choose their food more carefully. On the contrary, nothing makes
us hungrier than freedom of choice. Think about it.
Scanning
the menu at McDonald's, eyes-up-eyes-down, the very bedrock upon which
this country was founded — freedom — really works up an appetite.
In fact, there's an epidemic of freedom to choose sweeping this
country, and most of us just can't handle it. We wander the aisles of
Vast-Mart, faced with 27 different brands of nacho-flavored toothpaste.
We motor by our strip mall's sprawling majesty, and everywhere we go we
are surrounded by snacks.
Food is too available. That, my
fellow Americans, is the crux of the matter. If our men and women in
Washington are serious about reducing the waists of their constituents,
they need to pass legislation banning munchies from convenient
locations. They must outlaw talking vending machines and 24-hour
doughnut and daiquiri drive-thrus, prohibit those frozen burritos
pleading to be microwaved and stop the puerile seduction of Mister
Softee.
Eating's just too easy now. We're hungry — so we get up
from the couch and reach into the pantry for a prepackaged, processed
snack, rip open the shrink wrap (which burns only about 0.02 calories,
max) and, hours or minutes later, pass out in a puddle of special
sauce. Neanderthal, perhaps, but hardly a challenge.
Americans
should have to work harder to find food. If it turns out we can't ban
snack food outright, why not scrap baseball and make hunting and
gathering the national pastime?
And there's even more that our
hard-working civic leaders can do. Through a little known loophole in
the "Every Kid Deserves a Gun Act," funding can be allocated to
establish Hunt and Gather Clubs in every community. The idea is simple:
Hungry workers would leave their offices, change into their safari
khakis and climb into their sport utility vehicles for some serious
tracking and shooting. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service could raise
herds of musk ox, Holsteins, sloths, Libertarians and other slow-moving
game and release them into our urban centers.
Raised on
violent video games, a whole generation of suburban children would die
for the chance to blow the head off a real living creature. Even a
fridge full of snapping turtles or anaconda snakes would put a little
excitement back into the task of making supper. Just chasing those
little appetizers around the apartment would get your blood pumping and
burn calories.
And you'd still be hungry for a sensible dessert.
*
Ethan Gilsdorf is a poet and freelance writer living in Paris.
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