The Fellowship travels from Middle-earth
and sets out on a new quest
in Somerville, Massachusetts ....
But no one was really listening.
"Ha ha ha," said Pippin. "Anyone else?"
"I want to admire my ring," said Frodo.
"I want to sit here, and admire Frodo" said Sam.
"Got any pipeweed?" asked Pippin and Merry, in unison.
"I'm up for a quest," said Legolas. "Even if it's just for a beer."
"Your quest is to find the Elvish Tower, in Somerville, and kick some ass while you're at it," Galadriel said. "It lies across the Fields of Wah. Over the mountain. In East Somerville. Forget the others."
"So then I grabbed her ass, and got myself another pint!"
"Har har har!!"
"Isn't it so very shiny?" said Frodo, still admiring his ring.
"Yes, but dangerously shiny," said Sam.
"Legolas, want some nice crispy bacon?" said Merry. "Hey ...."
"Where's he going?" muttered Pippin.
"Hey Legolas, got a light?" asked Merry. "Legolas?"
"Good luck, Legolas. I'll be reading your mind."
"I'm outta here," said Legolas. And he dashed away like an elf outta hell.
Legolas sprinted up the mountain.
"Wow. I've got a long way to go," he thought. "Wish I had a beer."
Up the mountain ...
Legolas continued up the rocks. Left, right, up, up, he scrambled.
...Through the forest ...
... into the shrubbery ... "Huh! huh! Huh!" Legolas puffed.
"Where is this place?" he wonderered. Then trumpets blared behind him, and kettle drums banged, and a string section inspired him.
... he ran across the Fields of Wah ...
Until ... he saw it... the tower!
"Wait. I don't think this is the right tower. Doesn't look Elvish to me. Looks more Revolutionary. Or Stalinist."
"Stonework ain't right. Kinda sloppy .... Drat."
"Sigh. I miss my friends," Legolas thought. His heart fell. And had a good cry.
Sniff, sniff. Oh Frodo! and your damned ring. Those other nimwit hobbits. I love you all.
Then Legolas remembered what Galadriel said.
"First, you have to turn right at Dunkin Donuts."
Legolas has turned left.
"Stupid Legolas," he cursed to himself. He ran back across the Fields of Wah ...
Back across the rocks. He turned left at Dunkin Donuts. Then raced across town ...
Until finally ...
"Yep, that's it. The Elvish Tower of East Somerville. I hope there are no drug dealers and gangs around here."
"Wow. How I gonna get up there? And what ass am I going to kick once I get there?"
"My quest is almost complete," he said to himself. And his heart soared. He polished his Elvish knives and tightened his Elvish bow.
He was ready at last. He dashed off to assault the tower... but ... he could not move.
He struggled. Something held him in place. Some unknown magic or new devilry. Something ...
Something very sinister ...
"What the?"
Legolas didn't understand.
The quest now rested on a knife edge.
He was very very thirsty. And he couldn't move...
"Help... Someone?"
TO BE CONTINUED...